fizzer

"I worked as a personal assistant to a 22-year old who was in the midst of a psychotic breakdown. He hired me while he was drunk at a mutual friend’s birthday party. He paid me $8/hr to hang out with him in his apartment, do his laundry, drive him around, buy him socks, and watch movies with him. He hired my boyfriend as his personal chef, and another of our friends as his Vice-President.
He would have me go over to his apartment to heat up food before bringing dates home, to trick them into thinking he had a butler. He sent me on a 2-day expedition to pick up a blown-up print of the movie poster for the Johnny Depp Willy Wonka movie. He had me research Spongebob episodes for some reason. My boyfriend cooked Cornish game hens and lobsters for him every day. I wrote some of his college papers for him.
Eventually he decided to expand his “business” and hired a bunch of Harvard students as interns, and bought them all Powerbooks. They just sat around all day in his kitchen day in and out, confused as fuck. He made us play touch football together every afternoon. We had nothing but Smirnoff Ice and Red Bull in the fridge.
Eventually it culminated in him taking us out for a night of debauchery, which ended up at a sleazy tattoo parlor, where he told us he’d give us money to tattoo his name on our bodies. He got a tattoo, two of the interns got tattoos, and my best friend who was along for the ride got a tattoo. I agreed to let him pay to pierce my nipple for a lesser sum of money. Ultimately he wound up crying hysterically while making out with my best friend.
The next day his mother visited, found out what was going on, froze his assets, and shut the whole thing down. He bought us an arcade game – Killer Instinct – to put in our apartment as severance pay, and dropped out of school. We found out later that he had formerly gone to Brown University, where he was expelled for selling mushrooms, but because his father was a judge, he got off.
It was the weirdest summer of my life. I made about $3,500."